1. The Minivan Back Seat video camera. No, this is not what you’re thinking.
You can turn this camera on when you’ve searched the house for the soccer cleats, the math homework, the lunchbox. If anything’s been left in that third row of seats (aka, the Bermuda Triangle), you can find it without having to leave the comfort of your house, much less having to crawl over the disgusting Cheez-it-encrusted, middle row seats.
Once you’ve obtained photographic evidence, you can send your child to get it.
2. Sisyphus Radio. Like Pandora Radio, but with channels geared to a suburban parent’s needs.
All the phrases you say over and over can be piped through your house in your most dulcet tones via Sonos. No need to start screeching! Think of the benefit to your vocal chords!
Instead of saying “Please pick up your wet towel/dirty laundry” 500 times a day, you can just play the “Pick It Up” channel. Tune into the “It’s Time For” channel to alert your children to the imminence of soccer practice, dinner, or bedtime.
3. The ‘Right Living’ Monitor. You fervently believe in the gospel of right living as practiced in the Bethesda area – diet, exercise, and education being the central tenets – but you have — occasionally — been known to stray.
Picked up a few Lunchables at the grocery store? This app will alert you when anyone is within ten feet of your grocery cart, so you can casually slide the giant bag of kale over the plastic-wrapped, preservative-infused, offending items.
Spent Sunday on the couch watching a Here Comes Honey Boo Boo marathon? The app comes with an archive of excuses and couch-potato exercises you can pretend you did.
4. Neighborhood Listserv Editor: This app divides all your neighborhood email into two categories: a). “Practical” (babysitters, dog walkers, etc.) and b). “Crazy-but-Entertaining.”
If you’re in the market for a service, you can check out the “Practical” folder. If you want to know which of your neighbors saw a fox, and which ones insist it was a coyote (and who got really worked up about it), you can delve straight into the other folder.
5. The Husband Translator. Your husband is always trying to solve your problems rather than just listen; he’s perplexed about why you look different when you come home several shades blonder; and worst of all, he has his own opinions.
This app lets out an infrared signal while your beloved is speaking, and translates all his unnecessary and irritating words into the three simple phrases you’ve spent 20 years trying to get him to master: 1). “I can’t believe she said that!” 2). “Your hair looks great!” (on the day you get it done), and, the most important, 3). “I couldn’t agree more!”